1: DIETARY EXPLORERS Determined to get to the Outer Limits. Unfortunately, those who go beyond fruitarianism seem to mysteriously disappear.
2: THE NATURAL BRIGADE Convinced that if humans were meant to drink coconut milk Nature would have put more accessible holes in coconuts - or given us bigger mouths.
3: PET LOVERS Often pose fascinating philosophical problems such as "Am I being fair to my pet alligator by feeding it on nutmeat?"
4: HEALTH-FOODERS Often discovered lurking in the vicinity of health food shops surreptitiously reading books like "Do you really have to be sick?".
5: CANDIDATES FOR SAINTHOOD Not generally renowned for their sense of humour, but are convinced that God, and the Vegan Society, are on their side.
6: ECCENTRIC SCHOOLTEACHERS Generally benign - but believe they have all the answers (not to mention the questions!).
7: AMATEUR MYSTICS Claim to communicate with cabbages - and can easily be aroused by the magic suggestion that they themselves in some sense exist as separate individuals. (That's a free bit of esoteric wisdom - for more, buy my latest bestseller "Esoteric Mysticism Exposed".)
8: THE SELF-SUFFICIENCY SQUAD A promising new species, but only the theoretical variety seems to abound as yet. Closely related to their carnivorous cousins, who are much more securely established.
9: ANGRY ACTIVISTS Determined to liberate everything, but are so altruistic they occasionally forget about themselves.
10: ASSORTED LAYABOUTS Not a pure breed this; there are many complex crosses present. Can be periodically and very briefly observed in the vicinity of Labour Exchanges.
11: HUMANITARIAN INTELLECTUALS Just have to be taken seriously.
12: ANIMAL LOVERS Very common. Have one slight, but well-known quirk: they often reserve a soft spot for humans.
13: RELIGION TRIPPERS Know that Jesus must have been a vegan, and hope to persuade the Pope to join the Vegan Society.
14: NON-JOINERS OF SOCIETIES Refuse to join the Vegan Society on principle. A trendy group this - non-joining being quite an 'in' thing.
15: JOKERS Comparatively rare breed. Have a tendency to inadvertently antagonise other vegans. Joking quite often suspected of being a cover-up for deep emotional complexes.